What Paintings Think...

“Girl, you are looking hic fine tonight. I would hic tear that up. What’s that you say? hic You old charmer you, but I’m not hic that kind of girl! What- yes, Mr. Bartender, I do hic realize that I am talking to my reflection hic but do you see anyone else in this dive that can appreciate how long hic this hair took? That’s what I hic thought. Another scotch for the lady!” -The Saucy Dame

“I’m faaaaaaaabulous! I’m a star! Eat your heart out Lana, you said that I was one step above a stripper, well look at me now! I hope you love your PhD in I’ll Never Get a Job, because this bitch is having a steak dinner tonight.” -HBIC the Vengeful Ballet Edition

“I guess this is what ‘tasteful cocktail party with adult inclinations’ translates to in real life. I’m never answering a Craigslist ad again, I don’t care if it does pay for my acting classes. Do you think Meryl Streep ever had to do this?” -Tits McGee

“Are those bacon wrapped scallops? Score.” -Tahitian Daenerys Targaryen

“And then Johnny…” -Shamefaced McShamington

“What? Johnny what?? You have to tell me, we’re best friends and we tell each other everything, even if it’s totally awful and our moms would die and stuff, because we keep each other’s secrets because we’re best friends and you’ve got to tell me! I mean…go on…” -The Eager Beaver

“I should’ve married Frank. He’s a dentist now, and I bet he has a nice house and a 401K and a dog that he walks on Saturday mornings. I know I thought Benicio del Toro and I were in love, but I can’t understand a word he says, and I’m so tired of wearing these period piece clothes…he’s not even a method actor, why are we wearing these? I’m going to look Frank up on Facebook.” -Regretta del Toro

“Grrrr mumble mumble grrr growl.” -Benicio del Toro

“Listen up, trollops, I don’t care which one of you did it, you’re all guilty of something. But the next time I find one of your god-forsaken hair monsters sitting on top of the drain grate instead of in the trash, I will shut this place down. I have no problem with that, and I would look forward to your letters telling me about how you’re really excelling at the Kevin Federline school of back-up dancing. See that joke is funny because he was a back up dancer but he got fat, just like you will. Now, do your jazz hands!” -Asian Gandalf

“I’m so effing bored, but this back scratching is really doing the trick.” -Yellow Bow Back Scratcher

“I’m sorry I farted in your room and then tried to blame it on your dog. I brought you this dead plant thing.” -Pepto Bismol Laura Ingalls Wilder

“I just…I can’t.” -That friend who doesn’t find farting funny

“Sweet mercy, what time is it? Did we die last night? I can’t feel my legs. Rubbing my eyes is the only thing keeping me from throwing up.” -Tiny Angel Dude

“I think I traded my wings for shots last night. There are 8,000 thorns in my elbow right now, but if I move I’ll fall over and never get up again. That is the last time we go to a loft party, deal?” -Poor Hungover Girl

“Has she said anything yet?” -Old Broad

“Are you kidding me? She wrote his name 400 times on her trapper keeper, then went all Hulk on her shirt screaming about how the love of her life was going to marry some girl named Jenny.” -The BFF

“You guys just don’t understand, OK?! Junior prom is a big deal. Just let me listen to some Adele and grieve.” -HBIC